Introduction: or, how to be a female blogger

I'm fascinated by the subculture of female bloggers.  And when I sat down and created this blog, I had to carefully cull my female blogger persona.  And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that -- hey! someone should write a guide to how to introduce yourself as a female blogger.

Step 1
Start with a snappy little intro that is full of cliche phrases that no one uses in the real world.  Make sure you include poetic sentence phrasing, talk in the third person, write in fragments, and use lots of periods.  It's extra helpful if you pick things about you that are really random, make you look well-rounded, but really don't say much about you as a person -- remember, you only get one shot at a first impression.

Almost 30-something consultant navigating life and love with two Europeans (a Polish boyfriend and a German dog) in the big city.  Forever a New England girl and an unabashed suburbanite at heart.  Loves Transformers.  Obsessed with Petyon Manning.  Hates mayonnaise on burgers.  Can watch The Lord of the Rings trilogy in one sitting.

+5 for mentioning the South.
+10 for alluding to being better than everyone else because of your location, upbringing, or faith.
+15 for mentioning Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ
+50 for the trifecta

Step 2
Once you've nailed your introduction, you next have to figure out something that you're good (or "good") at. This might be easy for you (I have major issues and think I'm "just ok" at everything), but if you want to be a really successful female blogger, you'll have to think of something that you're not just good at, but something you can be insufferable about -- whether you're good at it or not.  Make sure it's something you're comfortable mentioning a LOT, preferably almost every post.  Here's some examples:

• Running
• Baking cupcakes
• Eating carbs
• Being a pretentious ass
• Knowing a dead language

+10 if it's not an actual skill

+15 if it's "being pregnant" or "giving birth"

+20 if it's "Watching shit TV"

+50 if your dead language is Middle English and you like to recite Chaucer

Step 3
After you have picked your "something good", you next have to pick an accomplishment (related or not) that you are going to lord over everyone, all the time.  It should be something that you can find a way to drop into any conversation, no matter how much of a stretch.

• Appeared on the game show Jeopardy! (adult version)
• Scored an 800 on my verbal SAT
• Ran the Boston Marathon
• Lost 50 pounds
• Read a book
• Went undefeated in my final year of competitive policy debate

+10 if it's completely meaningless past the age of 21

+25 if it's "Gave birth"
+100 if it's "Threw flour on Kim Kardashian"

Step 4

Once you've figured out what you're going to enrage entertain people with, next you have to figure out the things you're going to complain about.  This will give other females something that they can relate to and will hopefully bring them back to see what new and witty thoughts you have to offer on the mundane.  It shouldn't be anything too grand or controversial -- make it as inconsequential as possible so that you can really make a big deal about nothing.  Such as:

• People who chew with their mouths open
• People who say they have OCD when they don't
• Toms shoes
• Your job that really isn't so bad
• "Anonymous" people in your life that no one reading your blog actually knows

+10 if it's "Your job, which is being a stay at home mom"

+50 if it's another blogger

+80 if it's "National Geographic's programming sucks"

Step 5

The penultimate step to becoming a female blogger is one of the most critical.  No matter how much you entertain or annoy, you must have an ace up your sleeve in the form of sympathy.  Think long and hard about this one, because it's something you'll have to mention fairly often to your readers so that they constantly feel sorry for you -- this in turn gives you the freedom to be as ridiculous as you want.  And as a female blogger, would you want to be anything less than ridiculous?

+50 if it's fairly rare

+500 if it's something that's generally considered taboo by mainstream society

+1,000 if it's complete bullshit and you just made it up for points

Step 6

Lastly, you must have a DSLR (whether you can actually use it is irrelevant).  Point-and-shoots need not apply.